But honesty is not always eloquent

I sleep through most of every day. Because I stay up most of the night and morning trying to drink it away. But I’m not even sure what it is...loneliness? unhappiness? fear? the sickness I have that no doctor can diagnose?

Tonight I realized it’s fucking bullshit. I would rather soberly face everything...my insecurities, my fears, the realization of my utter failure in the face of so much potential...than have one more drink. That’s it. I’m done. At least until I can handle it. And I can’t right now. Escape is a disease that has become the norm. And I don’t ever want to be normal. I would rather writhe on the floor in pain and sorrow and suffering. And if that’s what it takes, that’s what I’ll do. Until any of this makes sense. Until I see the promise instead of the fallen. Until I see redemption instead of death.

I want to be free of all this. I want so desperately to be free.

Waking reality

Typically when morning comes and I roll over to my alarm clock going off, I’m pleased if I made it through the night without nightmares of someone with a chainsaw cutting up from underneath my bed or the angel of death standing at the foot of my bed or a dead woman dressed in 19th Century clothing who has hung herself from my ceiling.

But this morning was different. I had a really good dream for the first time I can remember in a long time, and I awoke to the sad realization that it was only a dream. What I dreamed of was something that could never happen in reality because it might be too perfect. It could be the missing piece. But since the realities of reality are much harsher and can’t be controlled simply by the firing of my synapses in a REM cycle, I guess I’ll just revel in that moment before I woke up until it also fades out of memory, as dreams will.

Neglect

I feel bad that I haven't updated this blog in so long. Most of my writing as of late has been poured into lyrics for new songs. Also, I've been a bit busy recording a full-length album with my band Plan for Landing and writing and recording an EP of solo material as well as playing bass in another band and playing music at church.

Maybe I'll get around to writing some more entries soon. Until then, feel free to check out my band web pages (which will have lots of new songs uploaded in the near future).