The Good Night

Have a shot of Beam and get a little drunk on Keystone Light with some friends at dollar taco night, buy a sixer of Coors Light and some Turkish Silvers on the way home, smoke one of those Turkish Silvers, crack open one of those Coors Lights, and still catch half of Conan. Now that’s a good night.

At the seams

I want to pull myself apart at the seams. Because it’s gonna happen anyway. Now it’s just a matter of whether it will be accidental or intentional.

Just me

I’m leaving behind the notion that any of the people I’ve turned to for refuge or comfort or hope could ever be that. I’m leaving behind any notions that there was ever anything there meaningful or honest. I’m looking truth in the face and hearing what is not being said rather than what is. Now I’m being practical. Now I’m being realistic. Now I’m recognizing this for what it is, or rather, isn’t. And it’s cold. And it’s lonely. But it’s the truth.

Somehow that is comforting. It’s just me on this road. And either I’ll make it or I won’t.

Look yourself in the eye

Have you ever done it? Just stand in front of the mirror for a second and look yourself directly in the eye? Allow yourself to see into what they say? I have. And it’s terrifying. And it’s beautiful. Because I see what I long for and how that is good. But I see the indifference of how I get that, shaped by years of hurt and failure and the frustration of the present: having it right in front of me with no way to attain it. Ever. So I look away. Focus on everything else that is there other than the desperate truth staring right back at me with disdain, malice, and determination. And I plead that it doesn’t have to be. But they stare straight through me and say that it is. It has to be.

[drunk] confession

I have the most potential and the least prospects. The greatest promise and the utmost failure. And I’m coming apart at the seams. Dying to live more than this and dying by the day. I’m one step closer to the grave and the unknown that I hope might be heaven. But I don’t even know anymore. Hope is the hardest thing to embrace cause it cuts me like razor blades when it turns away.